The first in a saucy, satirical series by a naughty neophyte in her British beginner’s astrology course.
Astrology Class - Half Term
Saturday: Went to posh dinner party. Told hostess I was studying astrology. Everyone thought I was very mysterious and exciting. (Made mental note not to see these people too often, in case they discover I’m not mysterious and exciting)
Week 8: Draw aspect lines on our charts. If you have lots of green lines on your chart, that means you’ve had an easy time of it. Lots of red lines is very stressful. How can this be? My chart is a veritable Clapham Junction of green lines, and my life is a catalogue of disasters! “Ah,” says Illustrious Tutor, “but red lines are character-building. People with too many green lines rest on their laurels and get tossed around like flotsam and jetsam.” Talk about moving the goal posts! Begin to suspect astrology is not an exact science.
Weekend: Decide to do some character-building. Drove to Exmoor with walking boots, map and one man tent.
11:00 a.m. Left car at pub and set off with enthusiasm.
12:30 p.m. My God! CAN IT RAIN ON EXMOOR!! As luck would have it, had remembered to pack the cellular phone and, even more luckily, had picked up number of taxi firm from pub. Rested on laurels (four poster laurels!) overnight and drove home after leisurely lunch. A pioneering weekend!
Week 9: Start interpretation of completed charts — Illustrious Tutor says the most important planets are the sun and the moon. The sun is more important if you are a man, because it is masculine and to do with ego, and men are more egotistical. If you are a woman, the moon can be more important because the moon is feminine and to do with emotion, and women are more emotional.
WHAT IS THIS SEXIST RUBBISH ??? Illustrious Tutor is EXTREMELY FORTUNATE I put away the radical feminist jackboots when last year’s Women’s Studies course ended! (Actually, I put them away about three weeks before the end of the course, after discovering that radical feminists were supposed to be lesbians. Spent the last three weeks of that course feeling VERY SHIFTY, I can tell you!)
Week 10: Trying hard to digest this amazing astrological evidence that men and women are different! This goes against years of feminist conditioning.
Decide to re-invent myself. WORE A SKIRT, and flirted with illustrious tutor. Later watched video of “Ghost” and WEPT COPIOUSLY without guilt! This is wonderful — FAR more liberating than being liberated!
Week 11: We are given WELL KNOWN PERSON’S chart to interpret. WOW! This person is Taurean, artistic, and VERY, VERY EXCESSIVE! Fall desperately in love. This man needs ME !! Suddenly notice his age is about 90. Discover he is also dead. C’est la vie — a unique opportunity for a truly spiritual relationship.
Week 12: End of term. Nearly Christmas. Add large, expensive text book to my presents list. Am completely CAPTIVATED by astrology. Psychology without the chat! It’s straight to the core and no messing — and there’s nothing a Taurean likes better than getting straight to the core! Roll on next term ...
(to be continued.....)