The Libran conference-goers are instantly recognisable by their smart dress and excellent deportment, but in recent years their presence at conferences has gone into decline. This is due to the introduction of multiple-choice lectures. Unable to decide which lectures to attend, they just glide around the place, striking attitudes and chatting up members of the opposite sex. Many of the lazier Librans have stopped going to conferences altogether; they stay and home and send off for the conference tapes instead.

Who are the conference-goers whose eyes seem to be boring into you? Why, the Scorpios, of course. They are dead keen on astrology but they always want to dig deeper than what the average conference will allow. They are not interested in horary, fixed stars or even the latest planetoid to have been discovered. Thei intensity demands something more exciting and esoteric, and when their maniacal gaze alights on you, then you know they are trying to get you interested in their latest passion. They will pin you down with questions like "Did you read my article on Sadomasochism and its Relationship with he Quincunx Aspect?" Of course, you are completely non-plussed by this verbal attack and you will wish to avoid these people for the rest of the conference.

The Sagittarian conference-goer first attract your attention around 5am.They knock on your bedroom window, having just returned from a five-mile jog. They want to know why all these lazy people aren’t out with them, breathing in the fresh air and keeping fit. If that doesn’t make you feel inferior, wait until they regale you with their travels and adventures. "You didn’t go to that astrology conference in San Francisco the other week?" they say in amazement. But astrology, as with most subjects, is only a passing interest with these people. This time next year they will have moved on, probably as manager of a yak farm in Tibet or assistant stage manager at Sydney Opera House.

You had better be on your best behaviour when you confront Capricorns at conferences, because they are often the people who have taken the trouble to organise these events for you. They are somewhat serious-looking and often wear dark clothing (jackboots optional). Whatever you do, don’t complain about your accommodation, the food, the lectures or anything else. These people have been working very hard over the last twelve months and they don’t like to feel that their efforts have been a waste of time. Treat them nicely and, who knows, they may treat you to a free conference (in your dreams).

The Aquarians give themselves away as soon as they begin talking to you. The preamble goes something like this: "I say, aren’t you Thingy? You were at the conference - where was it? - last year. Do you remember what’s-his-name’s lecture? Pretty naff, wasn’t it?" These people simply cannot remember names and they don’t often think things through before they speak. Little do they realise that the "naff lecturer" was you. They prefer to rely on descriptions of people: "You’re the Cancerian lady I met last year, aren’t you? I knew it was you a soon as I spotted the double chin." A year later you may see this type again, and this time they may get your Christian name or surname correct, but not both. After all, miracles take time.

And last we come to the poor old Pisceans. These people have guilt feeling about jus being at an astrology conference. Was it right to leave the kids with the next-door neighbour? Is the cleaning lady about to seduce my husband while I’m away? Piscean women will spend most of their time crying at conferences, therefore they won’t have attended a single lecture. But they will have resolved to take up something less demanding, like collecting stamps.